1 Thing You Should NOT Do in Marriage
I don’t know if this successful marriage advice is pin worthy.
I don’t know if you’ll feel like sharing it.
I don’t know if you are even ready to hear this.
Honestly, this successful marriage advice could very well could ruin your next girls night out if you decide to hear me on this.
But, there is something I’ve learned in the past 16 years that has literally saved our marriage and helped bring contentment to how I feel about my husband.
There are lots of things you shouldn’t do in marriage… lots of hot-button issues like adultery and secret online lives. Those are things I absolutely think should not be in marriage.
My thought today though isn’t so widely talked about nor is it something that I was taught at a marriage conference.
It is something I learned.
The hard way.
There really is 1 thing you should NOT do in marriage.
For a successful marriage
You aren’t going to like it when I say it because so many of us women deal with this quite often.
GOSSIP
Did you know you can gossip about your husband?
Yes. You sure can. I didn’t know I was doing it and I felt horrible when I realized the truth. Learning this lesson about my conversations with friends made me watch the words coming out of my mouth so much more. It made me conscious of what I said and to whom and how my words would make my husband and my marriage appear to others.
In a perfectly healthy marriage where two people are head over heels in love… you can still gossip?
But, you might be thinking, I should be able to share things with close friends. That’s what close friends are for… we all need a safe place to share.
Right?
Yes. So right. But not at the expense of your husband.
When we were first married, I didn’t even know I gossiped about him. I certainly wouldn’t have labeled it gossip, but more of a close conversation with friends.
I would get with a group of friends and we’d all start talking about how our husband did this or that… how they didn’t do this or that. How they like to do this or that. How they… you fill in the blank.
Sometimes it is harmless “he leaves his socks out” kind of stuff. Sometimes it is more personal or more private or more hurtful.
Oh, it can be so fun and stress-lowering to talk with friends and share husband stories.
Husbands can be really great “talking about” material.
But there is a fine line between sharing a funny story and gossiping about your husband.
So very quickly, the lines blur and before you know it you have shared something harmful about your husband or embarrassing about your husband… you’ve told friends something that really shouldn’t be told.
Marriage is sacred. It is fragile. And so much harm, bitterness, and hurtfulness can come from gossiping about your husband.
Really, when I would drive home after some of those discussions, I would actually be more annoyed or more hurt or more frustrated with Jeremy than I was before I retold and relived the story! I would loose that feeling of having shared with friends and realize that I said some pretty mean things about my husband, the man I love.
Husband bashing will destroy your marriage.
It will make you dwell on unhappy things. Not only that, but it will paint a pretty bad picture of your husband to your friends.
Oh, yes… they are your friends, they know you love him, they know he is a great guy.
But do they need to know that your great guy is annoying or has lazy moments or frustrates you all the time?
So, here is the challenge… watch that line. Highlight it in red. Make it bold in your mind. And don’t cross it.
Watch your words about your husband.
Gossiping about him is 1 thing you should NEVER do in marriage.
What are your thoughts on this successful marriage advice?
And…
1 MORE Thing You Should Not Do in Marriage – from my husband’s point of view!
thanks so much for pinning this and being transparent! such good advice. it is so easy to get caught up in conversation and just putting out every negative thing you can think about your partner.
Hello,
I find myself doing this often. I am struggling with some issues within my relationship. I find myself going on a tangent at times to my closest friends. I feel so justified in the process, but immediately experience an overwhelming sense of guilt and heaviness after. I swear I won’t do it again, and then boom there I go. It is like a record. I realise that this negative habit arises in other areas of my life too. There are always so many positive things that could be focused on, but the negative ones always get the most energy. Talking to my close friends feels like a helpful way to vent, but I’m starting to see that it’s a form of poisoning the well so to speak.
Fantastic!! Thank you SO much for writing this!
This is wonderful. The Bible is so clear on how powerful words are.
My mom taught my sisters and I this by word and example. I so agree with what you say here and strive to live by this rule. Why would I want to bash my husband? It makes me look stupid for marrying someone I am now discontented with. I love my husband and want everyone to know he is the most wonderful husband in the world. I just did a blog post all about why I love my husband.
I love this article. You are so right that this is not taught but so vital to marriages. That is the one thing I love about being part of the wives blogging community, it’s one of the only places that you can brag and praise your husband and it is encouraged. Our words to and about our husbands can totally change our marriage. My marriage is a testimony of that.
~Sherri http://godlifehappywife.blogspot.com
I love this post! I rarely leave comments on posts, good or bad. But this one hits a hard lesson I learned in our 12 years also. My husband and I have all the same challenges and stresses that others face and we get through them together, husband and wife, not husband, wife and bffs. It is absolutely true that a girl needs girlfriends in her life for support in tough times, but a real friend can support you with out all the personal details.
I have experienced a friendship where she had shared many complaints about her marriage and husband, that I started resenting my husband for all the bothersome things he did just from being drowned in those toxic conversations. I didn’t partake in too much husband gossip/bashing but realized what little I had done didn’t make me feel good, it actually made me sad or more angry. I told myself this isn’t a stress relief, if it only makes you feel worse, so why partake? My husband had actually noticed this too and commented on the health of this friendship as well. Then I knew it was a problem.
Now, knowing myself (one with out a filter) I am very mindful of my mouth when I am dealing with personal issues with my husband. After all, you hit the nail on the head; it comes back to “The Golden Rule.”
I agree. But there IS a fine line (as with most things in life).
I was reading a book that was talking about how it is healthy to get a glimpse in to the life of other couples who are close friends and share some experiences. An example was: Couple A and couple B are going out to dinner for a group date night. Both couples have arguments at home before the dinner. During dinner, both couples act like it never happened and are very engaging and friendly towards each other. But both couples are actually unhappy and unsatisfied, comparing the other couple’s relationship to their own. They perceive that the other couple gets along great and doesn’t fight like they did before dinner. Couple A thinks that couple B has it so much more together and has a better marriage. Yet, if one of the couples had mentioned that they had an argument, it would relieve the pressure from both parties. They then, perhaps, could support each other and not feel resentment for their own marriage, and could continue happily with their dinner.
I agree strongly, though, that you should not be gossiping about your husband. You vowed to care for him and protect him, he relies on you. Treat it how you would want your husband to treat your relationship. Protect it and your husband. Being respected is very important to men, and he has shown you a very vulnerable side of himself by letting you in to his life.
oh, I absolutely agree! Being free to be real with another close couple in your life is so valuable. And, you are right, There is a fine line between that, though, and taking advantage of a girls night out or time with friends to share negative things about your husband. Love your perspective! Thanks for sharing!!
Excellent post! Agreed, it makes me sick to my stomach when ladies down their husbands. I went to a party several years ago, it was really a girls night out and nearly everyone there was gossiping about their husbands and even their children. As the drinks flowed it became much worse.
I lost my former fiancé years before I met my husband. My fiancé died the week we planned to marry which taught me how fragile live really is, so, I cherish my husband and would not say anything to embarrass him. If he were doing something that annoyed me to distraction I’d see a psychologist for advice, not make him fodder for gossip. Does anyone believe that a person who tells embarrassing details about their husband won’t do the same to you?
that is true… friends that can willingly gossip about their spouse probably gossip about other things including you. thanks for your comment!!!
So, so true!
I went to a Bible study for a while where so much husband bashing went on! I hated it and couldn’t for the life of me understand why other women would want to portray their husband in such a poor way to each other. Now my hubby isn’t perfect, but God did bless me with the perfect guy for me and that is the way I portray hm to others. He is God’s gift to me and I would never disgrace him in that way. I also asked him if the men complain about their wives when they are together and he said never, that they don’t even talk about us when they are together.
I think in the Christian community sometimes women do not tell their husbands that they do not like something because they are so focused on being submissive rather than being a team. At least in our group that was the case, they never shared their concerns with their husbands and let them make all the decisions and then complained about them constantly. It was sad, but I felt too chicken to say something or worried about looking too self righteous, I regret it now, because I was the oldest one in the group and I think God was wanting me to share what I had learned already in my married life with women who were just starting out.
YES! I’m late to the party, having just found this post via Pinterest. (I’m not a regular on the blog scene anymore.) But these words were so pertinent. Last fall, I organized a playgroup for my kids so they’d have a weekly play-date. (We homeschool.) I wanted to be inclusive and invited all the moms I know that homeschool, so the group is quite diverese. My goal was to get to know these women better so as to develop solid friendships, while our kids did the same. Initially there was a lot of excitement from these women, and I learned how isolating homeschooling can be. We all appreciated the adult time. But it seems that satan used the comfort level to his advantage and introduced the G-word… I’ve been praying about our group and for ways to discourage the husband-bashing that has gone on. The holidays have provided a much-needed reprieve from the drama, but we’ll be starting up again next week. Would you please pray for me and this group–that we would each use our discernment before we speak? Would you please pray that, should someone stumble, I would be able to tactfully redirect the conversation? Thanks a million!
Oh I’m so glad this post has helped! Feel free to share this post with them! I will pray and please let me know how it goes… confronting in love can be so hard to balance. You can do it with God’s help!
AMEN!
YES! Thank you! When I finally learned this (the hard way here too) I felt like a door was opened, a light turned on, whatever you want to say. It was actually freeing to finally realize I didn’t have to participate in those kinds of conversations. Every time I hold my tongue I feel like I affirm my love and respect for my husband in some small way and it strengthens how I feel toward him. By not giving voice to those frustrations that we all get, I actually lessen the impact they have on my emotions and thought life. It has been the best marriage advice I’ve ever been given or can give to anyone. Great post!
I am going through a lot of difficulties in my marriage and I have one close friend who’s been down a similar path that I confide in for Biblical wisdom and council. While this is needed, I do have a great tendency to move from telling what it needed for council to just gossiping/venting. I must be more careful.
Good Post! Stealing, I mean, sharing, this…
Feel free to share! Thanks for stopping by!
Awesome post! This is so true and you are right, there is a line, and crossing it can be detrimental. Thank you so much for sharing this, Jenilee!
thanks for joining in the conversation! love these discussions on marriage
I completely agree! This is a huge pet peeve of mine. A good measuring stick–would you want your husband to say something like that about you? More than likely, you wouldn’t. It’s so sad that we live in a culture and society that says women can, and should, bash their husbands, or even make fun of them “all in good fun.” It’s not good, and it’s not fun.
This was one of the challenges for my recent 31 days of loving your husband. It’s so important. Thanks for sharing.
oh I’d love to read your post! I’m heading over to find it!
I am currently doing The Love Dare with a good friend (unbeknownst to our husbands) and this is something that I am HORRIBLE at!! (Which is how we got into doing the Love Dare in the first place – gossiping about our husbands…)
I definitely need to watch this!
yeah! good for you for stepping up and doing something for your marriage! The Love Dare is such a creative, true way to bless your spouse. Let me know how it goes!
I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this! Even though men are so “strong” they can be weakened so much when their wife tears them apart! Sadly I had to learn the hard way our first year of marriage!
marriage will teach you so many things if you are willing and open to learn! thanks for commenting!