You feel like you have a broken marriage.
Relational distance, finding yourselves on different pages, petty arguments, misunderstandings.
You sense a crack somewhere or a disconnect that seems to be widening.
You wonder if you are doing something to create the “broken marriage” feeling and you want help before it gets worse.
Feeling like something is broken in your marriage doesn’t mean you are done. But, it is a sign to warn you and encourage to do something about that feeling.
I remember seeing Jeremy from across our college chapel.
He was so stinkin’ cute. and a senior.
Tall, dark and handsome… my very own Tom Cruise look-alike.
I was smitten.
Now, nearly 17 years later…
He is still pretty adorable. Still tall and dark and handsome.
But we have history.
We have a life. A very, full life.
Kids, jobs, ministries, hobbies, friends, families… so much more than what we had at first glance.
It is hard to remember that first lovey feeling in the midst of life’s busy, craziness.
We know the good, the bad and the ugly.
We’ve seen each other at their worst. We see their selfishness and their insensitivity. We know that they’ve seen it in us as well.
We know things and feel things and understand so many more things.
We love deeper, stronger and healthier.
We cling to each other because life really is just that amazing and that hard.
And even with all of that…
Marriages still fail.
Things happen.
People fall apart.
And, well… while I sure don’t plan on that happening since we are both in this for forever…
There are some negative patterns that we have got to stay away from, true marriage breakers… things that Satan can and will use to separate even the strongest among us.
We must stand protective over our marriages.
Keeping our mouths, our hearts, and our lives in sync.
To do that here are a list of things that we must stay away from in marriage.
Marriage Breakers.
Phrases, Sayings, Actions that have no place in marriage.
Things that will ultimately divide you and your spouse.
1. “You always…” This is huge. Making big dramatic proclamations will hurt your spouse.
2. “You never…” Strive to speak with truth. Do they really NEVER? Or is that exaggeration at the expense of your spouse?
3. The Silent Treatment. Jeremy gave me this as his 1 Thing You Should Never Do in Marriage
4. The Blame Game. Blaming assumes the worst about your spouse instead of believing and trusting for the best.
5. Keeping a list of wrongs. We know this isn’t love from 1 Corinthians 13. My friend Jenifer wrote about this as not being an Elephant who remembers everything!
6. Name Calling. This is a horrid trap for marriage. Being mad does not give you the right to spout off mean names at your spouse. Self-control is a must.
7. “I don’t care…” You can say this with your words or with your actions. And your actions can say it without you even knowing it. What shows your spouse that you care? Do that.
8. “You are just like…” Let’s just all say, “Ouch!” Do not tell your spouse they are acting just like a parent or a friend or whoever. That can be so hurtful. And, it is something your spouse will remember.
9. Comparison. Does your friend seem to have the absolute perfect husband? Don’t compare your spouse even in your mind, let alone your words. This can cause a huge rift in a friendship and in your marriage. It also opens a door to infidelity in ways that is very hard to shut.
10. Gossip. This was my 1 Thing Never to do in Marriage. Never bad-mouth your spouse to others. Never.
Letting any of these things flourish between you and your spouse will for sure diminish that “first love” feeling that is already so hard to keep in focus.
Also, letting any of these things flourish will plant seeds of distrust, insecurity, hurt and bitterness in your marriage. Those are ALL things that Satan can use to destroy your marriage.
He wants to destroy your marriage.
Don’t willingly give him the necessary tools to help make that happen. Your marriage is fragile. Protect it. Fight for it. Retrain your actions because of it. Put a guard over your mouth and watch every word that escapes. Stay passionately devoted to loving like you should.
If you don’t, these marriage breakers can easily win.
What is something that you could add to this list?
Pride. Pride almost ruined us. Well, it did ruin us, but God fixed us.
These are all great tips. Treat your spouse as you want to be treated. Handle with care & love with all you have.
These specifically and exactly took my marriage of ten years straight to the gutter. Each acted as a separate hairline fracture, eventually giving way to a once bountiful Union, now split, left in pieces and ruins. The tears do not stop.
This is a great post and very helpful. I’ve been married for a year now and although some of these things are just plain old common sense, they are so hard to follow! I would love to feature this particular post on my blog with reference back to you. Please let me know if I am able to do so.
Well may be sad to say this but every single one of the things on this list my are habits of my husband. No amount of talking of explaining will change him. If it weren’t for our 4 children I would have been long gone. I work had at my marrage and I feel to many people give up because it’s hard and relationships are hard. Aside from is immature communication skills we are clash at politics (which I feel is a joke and I am more of what people call a hippie), world views ( I’m a blessing heart who feels we could live in Harmony if we revoilt against the elite and secret rulers) to spirituality he belives in nothing and I was born with the gift of mediumship). We married young an changed drastically as we got older. I truly feel despite our differences we could make it if he could stay away from the things on this list. As I read this I wonder hmmm am I doing something on the list right now?! Talking bad about my husband? Whoops. I guess we both need to work on it.
It is a team effort… meaning, we must be willing to do the things we are expecting from our spouse. We can only change ourselves, work on our attitudes and our own willingness to bring good things to the table. Regardless of how our spouse responds. I’ll be praying for your family!
Great list! The never gossip about your spouse is very important!! Thanks 🙂 I pinned this for later
This brought me to tears. Why? Because some of these things are part of our marriage, and some have already been fixed. working on the others, but just “hearing” someone else list these things makes me re-evaluate myself and the way I think/speak/treat my husband. I’m not a bad person, neither is he, but we all have faults and bad times. THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart for this post.
I think we all have faults and bad times for sure! We can all get caught up in marriage breakers without even noticing sometimes. I’m glad the post was a blessing to you!
Taking the other for granted, just expecting that they will do something for you or not showing appreciation for what they do because they always do it. Very easy trap to fall into.
very easy… i agree! Thanks for visiting!
Forgetting to be intimate with one another. I don’t mean just in the way everyone assumes. A kiss, cuddle, look or word a day can make all the difference in a marriage. Intimacy is very important
I totally agree!!
Another thing that is a marriage breaker is having a list of things (or even just one thing) that your spouse must do everyday or else you’ll be upset. For example, having dinner made everyday at a certain time.
very true. Expectations should be #11!!
Great advice Jenilee!
I enjoy the wisdom from your blog. We are The Goodwin’s as well! Great advice centered on God’s perspective! Love it!
Hi to another Goodwin! We are of the Iowa Goodwins 🙂 Thanks for reading!