I have a notebook that sits near me at my laptop.
Throughout the day, as I work around the house, I jot down a note here or a phrase there… things that, if developed, could become a blog post.
It is where I make lists or write down scripture verses that mean something to me in that moment.
It is full of scribbles and Xs. I love to cross things off the list. Marks where I’ve crossed out the things I won’t use or where the words already jumped off my notebook and onto the pages of my blog.
Topics written. Thoughts explored. Heart pieces mended.
I love this notebook. It only has a handful of blank papers left.
And as I browsed through my very messy, quite full list of thoughts, I realized that what was left was simply a compiled list of more mending thoughts.
They were small, undeveloped glimpses into a bigger story and yet powerful bits of words all by themselves.
This list of phrases and verses that had yet to be blogged were maybe not meant for a whole post.
Maybe they were meant to be left as I wrote them.
Maybe they don’t need to be developed or edited or reworked to make the cut for the blog.
Maybe they are just fine right now.
Maybe, in their simplicity, they mended my heart somehow in this stage of the journey.
Random pieces that are slowly mending me. challenging me. growing me.
At the top of the page, I have a note about our outside light. We only use it at night to light up our courtyard. But quite often, I get busy with the morning routine and totally forget to turn off the light. So it stays on unnecessarily for the daylight hours. I can go outside, hang up laundry or feed the dog and not notice that the light is on. In our sunny weather, the light does nothing and it can not be seen. I don’t remember that it is even on until night falls again and I go to turn on a light that is already on. And in my notes, I wrote, “What happens when it gets dark? Is the light on?” I remember thinking that it isn’t until darkness comes that the light can be seen. And as that sinks into my soul once more, I wonder at all the lights living in our world that are surrounded by other lights. Can they really be seen or shine brightly? What happens when darkness falls? Which lights will be shining then? What about MY light? In some ways, we are surrounded by darkness… living in a place where only 4% of the population proclaims to know Jesus… is MY light shining? Can it be seen in this place? In this season?
Jump to the side margin of the page and I see the words “Coming/Going” with the verse Psalm 121:7-8. Those verses say, “The Lord will keep you from all harm—he will watch over your life; the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.” Living here, our comings and goings are pretty big deals. The roads are treacherous, life is dangerous, threats are real and things seem unstable. Having the promise of the God of the universe who is watching our comings and goings… that comforts in ways I never imagined.
And in the middle of the page, between some huge Xs, I have written, “Exposed Heart – duress, freedom”.
I have to pause here… I really don’t remember what I meant when I wrote that. I can’t remember the specific thing that sparked that thought. But I do know how it feels to have my heart exposed. My heart is out there. Wide open. In some ways fully in duress… in other ways experiencing new, quiet freedoms.
Then, next to that, I have a moment captured. A deep thought in print. A quiet nudge from the Holy Spirit who was speaking to me in a very real way. And he continues to speak each time I read through my list.
I wrote, “Follow wholeheartedly. Delta flight.”