When Life Knocks You Down Again

It’s never fun when life knocks you down. It is definitely not fun when you’re knocked down again.

and again.

Sometimes it’s something big. Something life changing.

Other times it’s the smallest brush of wind that pushes you down.

When life knocks you down, you feel the fall and with it comes the faint sense of failure that you’ve fallen once again.

Then, the questions fill your mind.

Why am I falling again?

What caused this to happen?

Why can’t I be strong enough not to let this push me over?

When will I stand regardless of the push?

For me, the past 10 years have been full of falling.

I handed over a ministry that I had a part in creating. I laid down growing this blog as we started the journey of missions. I got sick with MS symptoms. I walked away from our home to move to places unknown. I realized I don’t learn languages as quickly as I imagined. I felt bubbles burst one after another as the realities of missionary life became clear. I watched my girls go off to boarding school. Deaths in the family. Relationships unraveling. More culture shock than we ever imagined.

Those were the big things. There have also been hundreds of small things that have caused falls.

The fall of unmet expectations.

The fall of words spoken against us.

The fall of misunderstanding.

The fall of change and transition.

The fall of letting go.

The fall of fear and anxiety.

The fall of decisions with no good answers.

So much falling.

Just when I feel like I’m gaining strength something causes this sense of falling once more.

Anxiety over something that was said.

Wrestling with God over a decision or a change.

Uncertainty about an upcoming event.

Falling to the ground, losing my footing and wondering why I’m there again.

In a sweet time of prayer, I was asking God to search my heart.

Something had happened to cause the feeling of falling and as I’m learning to do, I was taking it right to Him.

As I prayed through the falling, I wondered what caused another fall. Was it hurt? bitterness? unwillingness? fear?

Am I just that weak?

This picture of me, knocked down again by circumstance, filled my mind and brought tears to my eyes.

Can’t I just be strong for once? In the face of adversity, can I just stay standing?

Angrily, I wiped the tears away, hating the failure, the weakness and the fall.

I started reminding God how tired I am. How sick I feel sometimes. How the tension and anxiety and frustrations might be why I fall.

Softly and sweetly, God said, “But you know where you fall.”

I literally stopped. “What?” I responded. “It’s still falling.”

God said it again, “You know where you fall. You know where to fall. You always land in the same place. On me.”

“Wait. Falling is bad though. Falling is what weak people do. Falling means I’m not trusting enough or learning enough or growing enough, right? It might mean I’m holding onto hurt or sin or unforgiveness.”

We always make falling out to bad. Falling into sin or falling into temptation or falling into despair. Falling because we are too weak, too tired, or too young. Falling because we’re unprepared or unqualified.

Instantly, God brought to mind moments when falling is good.

What about falling to our knees in prayer? What about falling into His arms? What about falling into a soft, comfy couch after a long day? What about falling into a pile of leaves? What about falling snow or rain?

What if falling can be good?

I remembered the group activity of trust falling. Learning to let go, trust and fall.

Trusting where I land to be the firm rock, the firm foundation of a God who loves me desperately.

That falling shows my trust in Him.

That kind of falling isn’t weak.

Maybe, it’s actually the best thing we can do when life is blowing crazy around us.

I don’t have to stand strong in the wind.

I don’t have to try and hold my place.

I can fall.

I can know where I land.